Is it real or not.

I wonder if I'd be feeling this way now.
Naming the artifacts in front of me.

Last night: 2:17am
I awoke. It felt as if I'd not slept at all, like someone sucked strength from me while I slept.
I feel weak, shaky, my heart is fast.
What is wrong with me? My mind begins a list.

Some of my fiber realizes I have a chance to be more than I could've imagined a decaded ago. When I was 19, I was scared, as now, but for different reasons. Fear has ruled my mind for as far back as 4th grade.

What if?

So I find myself under enormous pressures. Keep up with the material in medical school, that barely gives you a day between tests to regroup. And it gets worse, right? Clerkships that are burtal, long days, bordes and the months of studying. People will expect things from you, great things. People will talk if you are not there, if you need time, if you don't "cut it".

So I worry about it all, and in the deep recesses of my brain doubt lies in wait for night.

hence I am up at 2:17am. I listen to podcasts of Car Talk and Living on Earth, and dip in and out of conciousness until 4am when I sucome to my exhaustion. 5:45am, up again with that same feeling of sudden wakefulness, weakness, something being wrong. I got 6hrs of choppy sleep.

So is something physically wrong with me? What is happening when I sleep? Am I sick? The answer to all that is No, apparently. I have a heart murmer, I have beta-thalessemia, but I am healthy. I think.

What makes me sick is worry. I really is an amazingly potent agent.

So what do I do? It gets worse and then what?

I think that reevaluating my reasons for pursuing a degree in medicine will by therapeutic. I know I am putting myself through this for a good reason.