The 7th of September: evil spirit after work

Something came over me... I was in such a rush to get home. Get home to what? Food I guess. Something was over me. I left after spliting a 6 well plate of 22a into 3 chamber slides, of course it took longer than I had planned (not that I planned anything).

At home, I started eating; I was hungry. Tortia chips and hummus, olives, two tomatoes, nothing actually substantial. The feeling I had is hard to describe: hunger, hot face, heart beating fast, nervous. Was my soul stirring in the froth of events that took place all that day? Had I neglected my body earilier after working out? Did I ingest too much sodium? Was the whole business of begin 25, but not feeling like I'm "beening" at all catching up to me again?

I broke down and told Cedric I was thinking about going back to school.
"I'm thinking of taking the GREs and just going to grad school. I've been thinking that I just need to be involved with the whole academic process again." He sensed my desperation and knew I was thinking, what I call, thinly. I've given it a name because I do it daily. It is the kind of thought that you put into tieing your shoe, or brushing your teeth. Only, for me, I do it with very important stuff, like life decisions, my social actions, my words, whether or not to bike in traffic without a helmet. Things like that; important things. So he knew something was wrong, he sensed rightly.

"What happened to Med school."

I felt like saying, "Fuck Med school. If there is one thing I've proved to myself in 25 years of living it is that I care only for myself and nothing else."

Of course, I did not say this. Mostly because I've never said the word "fuck" around him, and partly because it is untrue.

It comes down to risks... I don't take the right risks... is that possible? Right risks? hm... oxy-moron, er something.

Anyway... I don't calculate. I don't even know what I want exactly. How can I decide, how can I comitt, choose, emerse myself. I'll just sit here and waste some more time. It is just easier to fester than to act.