A Child Again

The globe is coming 'round to tilt into spring's blossom. Pitch into summer's head-on heat. Winters slanted, retracted cold.
Our lives are in a thousand ways repeatable, never to be duplicated. But, on the general theme of failure and success, of love and loss, on injury and health, all repeatable--if it doesn't end you.

I wish there was a spring for me to be reborn. To spread fresh light tender leaves that shade and nurture the right from the hot regret. But my leaves are in there ways set in a deep green, awaiting the chilled air of early fall. Already, the events that set the green retracting in, leaving vivid reds and oranges, are in motion. Just when I was going to grow another inch, when I was going to fill out this canopy, when I was going to bury my roots deep into the loom. Just when...

It is time. And I could never, will never, come to life again. The snow and ice could break my boughs and the wind could wrench me out the ground. Since this is not a game and I am not a tree the winter is taxing me eminently, inexorability to death. So, this is no time for sorrow or to stagnate. The trees die and rise again. I rise once and die once. This is for real.

101... I don't care, read: I do.

lily white in your eyes
blue with iris on the ground
I have waited too long
and the red is turned to brown

I came back I'm waiting
you chopped the apple orchard down
search the snow in silence
people said just what I've found

shut your shades and hide from me
and I will watch you silently
when you're yearning for my voice
silence stings you without choice

lily white in her eyes
gold hair and she surrounds
all your thoughts of failure
and the fences taken down

I'm singing softly sighing
you dropped the iris to the ground
you choose your female wanting
now your left without my sound

It's been months (contrition)

As per my normal rhythm, I've returned once again with a wholly inadequate post. Inadequate as it tries to summarize the pass three months and all the events and insights and whatever else that occurred in that long interm. It has been a thrilling three months, and I am frustrated with myself (as usual) because I've not been consistant with this blog.

I've been invited to interview at the university of Vermont medical school. I freely admit I did not put my "all" into the application process this year. Subconciously, I think I am content with my situation in San Francisco, and maybe that explains the lack of energy applied to writing essays and sending secondaries out and so forth. I was lucky to receive this interview at UVM and luckier still because Vermont is where I would like to make my home. The Bay has grown near and dear to me in the there-is-so-much-to-see-and-do sort of way, but I need wind and rain and snow and mud and slush and spring and fall and heat and moist air to feel alive. I've thought much about (as much as I think about anything) being in both places someway. But, that is a pipe dream of the most long and narrow kind, its happening so impropable that it is represented by the tinyest point of light who knows how far away.

Tomorrow I go for my interview. I am going to have to answer some rough questions that I've put off thinking. My SSRI can dull the fear of death and failure and public humiliation, but it can not remove it and prevent it from effecting my present. I have avoided the internal dialogue with myself, the self-interview, that one should have if one is to go in front of a complete stranger and convince them of one's resolve and passion.

Why I want to be a doctor

I have habored a fancination of the unknown, especially in the natural world, since childhood. I found an name for the type of person that is constantly turned-on by the stars, plants, animals, forces that pull me, past people, the body, the mind: a scientist. Fortunately, I am not all scientist, for I love art and music and efforts of the soul. As I've been taught, there are one two possible types of people, those who do the sciences and those who toil with the arts. Of course, there is a whole world of people interested in business and ventures with money... but I am not one. I love to teach. I love to learn. I love to feel appriciated. I want dedicate to giving back this world that as given so much to me. Being a doctor means that you may do something different everyday, that your job is never done, that more effort is alway required of you... and all that appeals to me.