its offical, confusion and the meaning of life

This is what I'm going to be seeing for the next 1.5 years. I've (Ally and I) made it official. I am referring to my spontaineous move to the Bay area, to San Francisco. Excitement does quite emcompass what I feel right now. It's that uncomfortable, urgent emotion. You know when you are hiking a trail for the first time, the feeling that surrounds your minds as you plod along, every step falling on new ground.

I had dinner with Don at Flatbread. We had an amazing conversation, as usual. This time the subjects were death, purpose, our place in this world as Americans, which I find disturbing, confusing and frustrating, respectively. He gets me and if I have a choice in the matter - I most certainly do - I would choose to be as open, fresh and energetic as he is at his age. Don is an inspiration and a source of faith for me. Faith in my fellow man, this needs a refresh once-in-awhile. Don is that refresh.

Last night I was confronted and held accountable for something I said to a dear and patient soul when I was drunk. At the time I heard it I dealt with the News like I do whenever someone is attacking my character: I got defencive and reminded them of their trespasses. This is soButmething that hails from my childhood when my mother would criticize the quality of a chore I'd done or some peccadillo of my personality and I would immediate bring up some observation of relating to a similar failing on her part. This is the strategy I employed now. I had a bottle-and-a-half in me, so it was easy to revert to this childhood state. In fact, the wine had nothing to do with it. I had done the same this earlier in the week to my boss, Uma, when she accused me of being careless with my work. My face turned red, ashamed and frustrated with her continuing criticisms of my work and my attitude. Bitch.

Back to the topic at the top of the last paragraph. I've never been laid so low by something I did when I was drunk, and that includes an episode of pissing myself when I was seventeen. This person deserves all my love and respect; she has supported me through some of my darkest hours in the last 6 months. I'm afraid I've caused her more strife than there is water on the globe, but yet she forgives me. But this time I wen too far.

So, Berry, I am sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I love you; your beauty, your laugh, your curiosity.


ttyl